Musings of an Introvert: On Forgiveness

On picking up any book on self development and happiness, we'll find that one of the primary ways to stay happy is to forgive: forgive those who have wronged us and most importantly, forgive ourselves.

So what exactly is forgiveness? It might not come as a surprise to know that Google actually has a definition for it: "Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well." In simpler words, forgiveness is when we let go of feelings of revenge and resentment in response to an offense against us.

Forgiveness has many merits. Almost every religion professes it. The important question that comes to mind is, what can be forgiven and what cannot be? Can the parents of the girl ever forgive the man who raped their daughter, can the world forgive terrorists who killed so many people in various instances of terrorism? On a more personal level, can we forgive our parents, friends, colleagues for the various ways in which they wound us?

In order to answer this question, it is important to know what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the seriousness of the offence committed against us, or releasing the offender from legal accountability. It can improve damaged relationships, but doesn't mandate reconciliation. It does not obligate us to have positive feelings towards those whom we forgive. (See reference)

However, to forgive is easier said than done. Our pride plays a big role in this. We equate forgiveness with giving up our stance, our point of view, which we so strongly believe in. We ask ourselves why we should be the ones extending the olive branch every time, why other people can't realise 'their' mistake and apologise, atone?

No matter how justified we may be that the other person is wrong, we must swallow the bitter pill and forgive. Here's the best reason to do so: "for our own peace of mind!" We keep walking around with the heavy burden of hurt pride and feelings, anger and resentment. These negative feelings eat us up from inside and gradually seep into everything we do unless we take measures to stop them. When we forgive, the burden of negativity gets lifted off our shoulders and we feel lighter. Forgiveness empowers us to recognise the pain we have suffered without letting the pain define us, thus enabling us to heal and move on. (See reference)

"The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy, where you simply don't give a damn!" This is a very profound line I read in The Secret of the Nagas by Amish Tripathi. We should aim for apathy when we forgive: forgive with all our heart and then never look back on the incident again. It's over and done with. We can't change it now. We should never hold grudges, because having grudges means we are still affected and that we haven't forgiven ourselves.

Forgiveness is not for the faint hearted, as Mahatma Gandhi has rightly said. It is an attribute of the strong. Thus, we should never feel that by forgiving someone, we are being weak, that we are sacrificing our pride and self respect. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Forgiveness is not easy, but we can practice until it becomes second nature. We will then know true happiness and peace of mind.