Where the Mind is Without Fear

I

It was a beautiful Monday morning in Ahmedabad. The sky was an unadulterated blue and only the chirping of sparrows, crows and the occasional Pariah Kite, broke the silence of the otherwise quiet morning. It was not yet time for the morning traffic, so the air was not filled with irritating honks and curses thrown at people for bad driving. February had given way to March but despite being sunny, mornings were pleasantly cool.

Twelve year old Drishti was excited to go to school that day. Her parents had finally deemed her old enough to commute to school on her bicycle.

A van had been in the employ to transport Drishti to school and back, ever since she started school at the age of three. Anywhere between ten and twelve children used to be squeezed into the van for each trip. This was fine when Drishti was young. As she grew older and taller, Drishti started hating van travel, with its cramped spaces. That's why when her parents bought her a bicycle - a pretty lavender Ladybird - she resolved to learn to ride it well enough to be allowed to go to school on.

She had learnt to ride the cycle in half a day. However, convincing her parents had taken more effort.

"It's not safe for a child to be on the streets alone, in this big, bad world", Mother said.

Drishti couldn't argue with that logic so she looked beseechingly at Father.

Father was silent for a few minutes. Drishti patiently waited for him to announce his decision. She knew he was weighing the pros and cons of allowing her on her own. After some deliberation, he finally said, "Okay, you may go."

Drishti was delighted, but she didn't dare feel completely victorious just yet. She tentatively turned her gaze to her mother.

For a moment Mother looked betrayed at Father's decision, then she sighed and said, "I suppose I need to stop protecting you from the world all the time and let you take some decisions on your own. You are old enough."

Drishti gave a triumphant whoop and threw her arms around her parents.

"I promise I'll drive safely!", she said as she skipped away to clean her cycle till it gleamed and to ensure that it had enough air in its two tyres. Her parents shook their heads, smiling. Drishti's happiness was contagious.

This was yesterday. Today, Drishti got ready for school earlier than usual. She had butterflies in her stomach. She wasn't particularly nervous, it was just anticipation and excitement at the prospect of finally, finally being able to ride her cycle to school. 

The school was not very far from her house, just ten minutes of cycling down a straight road with minimal traffic. At 7:20 a.m. Drishti secured her school bag in the cycle's carrier, placed her water bottle in the front basket and set off, waving goodbye to Mother when she rounded the corner. School started at 7:40 a.m., so Drishti figured she would reach with at least ten minutes to spare.

As her building disappeared behind her, Drishti felt a thrill like no other. It was a perfect day to cycle. Slightly sunny, just the right amount of warm and cool. There was also a light breeze that made her neat pigtails sway. It was a different feeling altogether, being able to drive oneself to one's destination. She felt free, independent and in control of her life.

The roads were familiar to her, having lived in the same locality all her life. She passed by several of her neighbours out on their morning walk. She called out greetings to each of them as she sped past. By 7:30 a.m. she was at her school gate. She felt a huge sense of accomplishment and it was with a grin just as huge that she asked the gatekeeper where the cycle parking was.

Till the previous week, students parked their cycles along the back of the school building. This was a temporary parking space to be used until the basement parking was made ready. The gatekeeper pointed to an open shutter just beside the main steps leading up to the school. It was painted the same colour as the school wall which was probably why it had slipped Drishti's notice all this time.

Beyond the shutter, Drishti could see the beginnings of a corrugated slope leading down into the basement. As she watched, a student descended the slope on his cycle and disappeared into the darkness below. Drishti gulped. She had never ridden on slopes. This slope looked especially menacing with its corrugations and turns. Her thrill from having ridden the cycle to school by herself was starting to ebb away at the thought of having to go down that slope to reach the basement parking.

The gatekeeper smiled at her apprehension and said, "You can get off your cycle and push it down the slope if you're scared."

Even pushing her cycle down the slope seemed fraught with danger. What if she lost control of her cycle and it hurtled down the slope, with her bag and water bottle falling off? Many such scenarios played themselves on her mind in a loop, scaring her further. But she couldn't just stand there. The clock was ticking, it was already 7:35. She had five minutes in which to park her cycle and reach class.

She steeled herself and cycled towards the now open shutter. At the beginning of the slope, she stopped and got off her cycle. She surveyed the slope. It wasn't a long one. It had a turn towards the end as it met the basement floor. On one side of the slope was a wall and on the other side were pillars at equal distances. It was this side that seemed treacherous. Drishti told herself that she would be fine as long as she stayed close to the wall. She made sure her bag was still secure in the carrier, gripped the handles of the cycle tightly and pushed it down the slope.

She could feel gravity pulling down the combined weight of the cycle, her bag and water bottle and her heart skipped a beat. She pressed the brakes almost all the way and started walking. The corrugations on the slope helped break her speed. After a few steps, she gained confidence and getting to the basement safely seemed an achievable feat.

Another cycle whooshed by. It was Aishwarya, one of her classmates. The expression on Aishwarya's face was the kind one wears when on a roller coaster - thrilled cum terrified. Drishti looked at her retreating figure somewhat wistfully. She wished she were that brave.

Drishti successfully navigated the turn on the slope and the ordeal was over. She had finally reached the end of the slope and was now inside the basement parking.  She paused for a moment to catch her breath, her heart was still beating fast. She found a spot to park her cycle, locked it and slowly made her way back up the slope. Walking up the slope wasn't scary at all. On her way, she saw several more cyclists with similar thrilled expressions.

II

It was English class and they were going to learn a new poem: Where the mind is without fear, by Rabindranath Tagore. Drishti was called upon to read the poem aloud to the class.

"Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high... ", Drishti read out. It was a very profound poem, written during India’s freedom struggle to inspire people to fight for their freedom. As Drishti read, she couldn't help but think about her fear of going down the slope that morning. She thought about how helpless and terrified it made her feel. Then she thought of the expressions on the faces of students who made it down the slope and suddenly, she was filled with a strong desire to overcome her fear. She resolved to at least try to ride down the slope the next day.

Drishti cycled back home after school with Aishwarya, who lived just a few buildings away from her.

"How did you find driving down the slope today?", Drishti asked Aishwarya.

"It was awesome! I was a bit scared at first, but I had both my brakes pressed halfway down. That took care of my speed. From then on, I didn't even realise when the slope ended. It was very quick!", she replied.

The next morning, Drishti was at the top of the slope at 7:30 a.m. "I can do this", she told herself even though she was petrified. She forced her legs, which seemed to have suddenly acquired the consistency of lead, to pedal forward. Her heartbeat was thundering in her ears. She was gaining speed. Her tyres made loud clap-clapping noises as they hit the corrugations, sounding similar to the pelting of rain on cemented ground.  She pressed the brakes and slowed down to a speed she was comfortable at. A couple of students passed by her on the slope. This unsettled her a bit, even though she was near the wall edge of the slope and out of their way.

She had almost made it till the end and was approaching the final turn when she heard a faint click and realised with a panic that her bag was about to fall off the carrier.

"Keep going!", Aishwarya said as she rode past, "Let your bag fall, you can pick it up when you go back up the slope."

Drishti figured she was going to have to follow Aishwarya's advice because there was no way she could stop on the slope to pick her bag up while also keeping the cycle from hurtling down the slope. She continued pedalling forward as her bag slipped from the carrier, and a moment later, fell to the slope with a thud. Drishti sighed in resignation, she couldn't help it.

She finally reached the end of the slope. Relief flooded her and she released the breath she hadn't realised she had been holding. She locked her cycle and together with Aishwarya, walked up the slope towards her bag.

The bag would have lain there harmlessly till she went to pick it up, if it hadn't been for a student speeding down the slope. He seemed to not have noticed the bag lying in his path and was headed straight for it. Drishti contemplated running for the bag, but she would never make it in time. Besides, her sense of self-preservation wouldn't allow her to put herself in front of the speeding cycle.

Aishwarya shouted at the student to watch out for the bag while Drishti frantically waved her arms in the hope that he would notice. His eyes widened when he finally saw the bag inches away from his front tyre. He managed to swerve at the last minute. His brakes screeched as he slowed to a stop at the basement.

"That was close!", Aishwarya said. Drishti was still speechless. She could barely stand up, her legs were trembling so much. The student with the speeding cycle came up the slope after parking his cycle and gave them the evil eye as he passed by.

"You should watch where you're going!", Aishwarya called after him indignantly. Drishti mumbled a barely audible apology to him which he acknowledged without turning around by lifting his hand up in a semi wave.

Drishti's heartbeat hadn't returned to normal yet, but the danger had been averted. The student hadn't met with any accident and the offending bag was safely slung over her back. She shuddered at the thought of what could have happened if the student hadn't swerved. Aishwarya made her snap out of her reverie, "We've had enough excitement for a day. Now let's get to class." Drishti allowed herself to be steered up the slope and towards her class.

It took Drishti a week to muster enough courage to brave the slope again. This time, before descending the slope, she made sure that her bag was firmly secured in the carrier. She felt the now familiar lurch of her stomach as she went down the slope and started gaining speed. She surprised herself by not braking excessively. She was going fast, but she knew she was in control. She was not afraid anymore. Now that fear was out of the way, she was able to experience the joy and thrill of the bumpy ride down to the basement. It gave her an adrenaline rush just like a roller coaster ride would. Her heart was beating fast, but not out of nervousness. The sense of accomplishment she felt this time was even greater than that she had felt when she had first ridden to school on her own. She had finally conquered her fear of riding down slopes. She laughed and released the brakes completely, her breath quickening as she went faster than she had ever dared to previously. Before she knew it, she was in the basement parking. The smile didn’t leave her face throughout the day.

III

Ten years later….

Drishti usually took the bus to work, but today was different. Today, after weeks of self- affirmation, she had decided to take the plunge and drive the car to work.

It had been two years since she obtained her four wheeler driving license. She could drive well enough when someone, preferably someone who knew to drive, was in the car with her. She had never driven alone. She was terrified of it. When she asked herself why that was, she came up with this reason: in case there was a problem, she needed someone for moral support.

She scrunched her nose at her own reason. Moral Support! In this day and age when women needed to assert their independence and competence, she needed to stop making such excuses and just meet her challenges head on. She would improvise as she went along. That's why despite being terrified, she was making herself drive to work alone.

As she made her way to the car parking, she passed by some school kids reciting a poem. Exams must be going on, Drishti thought.

"Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high, Where knowledge is free, Where the world has not been broken into fragments, By narrow domestic walls...", the kids were saying.

Drishti was struck by a sense of Deja Vu, an overwhelming feeling of being there, in that time and place, before. She wracked her brain to recollect what was so familiar about this situation. It could be the poem. This poem had been part of her school curriculum too.

School. Yes, that had to be it. She remembered cycling to school. And God, she could never forget the formidable "slope" that led to the school's basement parking. She remembered the day she had conquered the slope as if it were yesterday. Her twelve year old self had been terrified of meeting death or grievous injury at best, going down the slope. But she had gone down it anyway. How glad she had been that she had had the courage to do so.

She had been a lot braver as a child, Drishti mused with a smile. And somehow, that thought was enough to inspire her to continue walking towards the car parking instead of taking a U-turn leading to the bus stop.

She got in the car, turned the key in the ignition. The car roared to life. Her heart was beating fast, but she ignored it, instead thinking of the little girl who braved a slope despite her fear of it. She reversed out of the parking and drove away with a widening smile, feeling the familiar rush of adrenaline in her system.

                                                              ******

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather, the judgement that something else is more important." - Meg Cabot, The Princess Diaries #1